When I Get Up
by icanttakeit
Summary: "i look into the mirror for evil that just does not exist." tegan and sara. quincest.
1. Chapter 1

Tegan's POV.

Every song I've written, whether I like to admit it or not, has at least something to do with Sara.

Every love lyric in all of my songs have to do with her. I know that I said songs from The Con had to do with Lindsey, but they don't. I just made that up to hide my feelings for Sara. I know that I'm dating Lindsey now, but like I said its all a lie. I hate lying to her, but I just need a cover up, something to keep my mind off Sara, but still feed my relationship needs. But I'd end everything with her for Sara in a heartbeat. You see Sara is my _identical twin sister_ and I'm in love with her. Go ahead and think what you want. Think it's gross and wrong and whatever else you want. I don't care because I know that the feelings I feel for her are the purest feelings I've ever felt. They feel so right that they just cant be wrong no matter what people say. I know it's right because I've felt this way towards her for quite some time now. About 14 years now, back when we were 15 years old. I mean I've always known. Even when I was younger than that, I felt something more than just sisterly feelings towards her. I'd get the tingles in my spine every time we brushed passed each other. I'd blush like crazy when we shared beds. I remember once when were 4, we kissed. Just a peck to see what it felt like after seeing our parents do it. We giggled afterwards and claimed we thought it was "icky", but I wanted to do it again and forever keep doing it. It was when I was 15 that I finally told myself that it was love.

We're 29 now and I haven't told anyone my feelings about Sara. I know I said I don't care what you or anyone else thinks, but I care about what Sara thinks so I never told anyone in fears that she would find out and be disgusted with me. If I can't be with her like I want to, then I still want to be her sister. I don't know what I'd do if she found out and hated me. I've fallen so hard for her and I just cant bare to lose her in any way. We've been in a band for like 11 years so I'm always around her. I love it, but hate it because I cant do what I want with her so I have to pretend like I'm fine. She dated our merch girl, Emy, for 5 years. Emy being our merch girl means she went everywhere with us which meant I had to see Sara and Emy date for 5 years all while keeping my feelings bottled and acting happy for my sister. Then they broke up and Sara was a wreck. She drank a lot more than usual and she still denies it to this day, but I swear she took drugs a few times. I know she did. I could hear her cry for hours in her bunk and I wanted nothing more than to crawl in there and hold her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear to help her sleep, but every time I went to ask if she was okay, she would tell me to get the fuck out. She isn't one for crying in front of people especially me. I was always the tougher twin so crying in front of me would only prove her weaker, according to her. I hated not being able to help her. I did everything I could, but the walls she built wouldn't let me in.

Anyways, I think you understand I love her now. More than anything. I'd give my life in a heartbeat for her. But the real problem now is that we have a series of very important interviews because our new record just came out and the interviews can only be held in Vancouver, where I live, which means Sara is coming over here from Montreal to stay with me…for two weeks. Normally she would've gotten a hotel, but she said she doesn't want to pay and that we need to hang out. I don't know how long I can keep my feelings hidden and act natural around her. Now here comes the hard part…its time to go pick her up from the airport.

I'm sitting on a bench at the airport now currently waiting for Sara to find me. Theres so many people, that I think I should be the one for looking for her, but I know that with just one glance at the crowd I could spot her face in an instant so theres no need for a manhunt when I can just look up every few minutes. I've been playing with my hands nervously now for about 5 minutes when I decided to take another glance. There. I found her. I can tell she's looking for me because her head is moving side to side quite fast. I don't want to call her name just yet because I want to take this time to marvel in her beauty without her catching me staring at her. She's wearing that black and white checkered button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up that I just adore. God kill me. She has a pair of black skinnies on that hug her legs and waist in all the right places and to top it off, she's wearing the famous red converse. Perfect. She looks absolutely perfect. An angel some might say. I say she looks more like a goddess. I know we look the same, but her features are better then mine and I've always felt she was the more attractive of us and was able to pull off any look. Her hair was still the same. Short with long bangs pushed to the side. Again, just perfect. She was still far away, but I could see her face perfectly. I focused more on her lips and imagined what they must feel like on mine…enough Tegan. Call her over. Now.

"Sara! Sara, over here!", I yell while standing up and waving my hand a little. She looks my way and smiles immediately and starts to walk over. I just love that smile of hers and the way she's walking over to me looks oh so sexy, even though I can tell her luggage is a little to heavy for her to carry so she's walking funny. How far have I fallen to think her walking funny with heavy luggage is sexy? Pretty deep I think.

"Tegan. I missed you", Sara says calmly while pulling me into a hug. Wait. Sara is hugging me? We never hug. Never. And now she hugs me? Well I admit this is strange, but I'd be a liar to deny that I didn't love it. I hugged her back, breathing in her scent. A combination of vanilla, strawberries, and flowers. Intoxicating. I think I just got high off her scent. So long drugs, weed, and alcohol. I found a new fix. Sadly our hug ended just as fast as it started.

"I missed you too, Sasa.", I reply honestly. I threw in her childhood nickname just to see her smile, which she did, and also a blush? Did I just see her blush at me saying her nickname? No. You're imagining things, Tegan.

"So," I got pulled back from my thoughts, "are we gonna go to your house now? I didn't sleep at all on the plane and like 4 guys were snoring very loudly near me. I think I have a headache."

"Umm, yeah sure. Let me help you with your bags and I'll get us a cab." I started to bend over to grab her bags, but suddenly she swats my hand away. I give her a confused look.

"Tegan, I know I'm younger, but only by eight minutes. I can handle it.", she states firmly while giving me confident look.

"You sure? I saw how you walked while holding them. Looked a little heavy for ya.", I smirk.

"…alright grab one, BUT only one.", she says defeated. I chuckle at this. She sounded so defeated, but I was so happy to help her even if it was something as small as holding her luggage. It made me feel important. It made me feel like a girlfriend. As soon as I thought that, I let out a loud sigh. Sara looks at me with a look of…concern? Weird. Usually if I sigh, she doesn't seem to care.

"Just a little tired. Woke up earlier than usual.", I say to tame her curiosity. She nods in understanding. We got out of the airport and walked towards the curb and called a cab. One stopped right away and opened the trunk upon seeing the bags. After putting the bags in, we settled in the back seat and I told the driver where I lived. I look over at Sara whose smiling.

"Why you smiling?", I ask

"Just excited", she replies with a slight high pitched voice. That confirms that she's truly excited.

"For?"

"Two weeks with my sister!", she exclaims. I die on the inside when she says sister. That's all I'll ever be. A sister to her. Nothing more.

"Why does that make you excited? We fight all the time, Sara."

"I know, but I love you and I just know it'll be fun." she's acting weird. She would never be excited for something like this. And she would rarely ever say she loves me. I wish that "I love you" was what I wanted it to mean, but I doubt it. I just give her a puzzled look for a few seconds and finally I nod.

"I love you too. More than you will ever know.", I whisper the last part to myself so quietly, that I couldn't even hear it. This is gonna be a painful two weeks. I hope I come out alive.

Sara's POV.

I'm now sitting in a cab with Tegan on the way to her house where I will spend two weeks for some interviews about our new album. I should be thinking about the interviews and how spending a couple weeks with my sister is probably going to be chaotic, but all I can think about is Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. The way she looked when I saw her at the airport. She's wearing the white shirt with the red sock covered legs sticking out. Along with black skinnies that she looks gorgeous in. She always had better legs than me and could pull off skinnies. Lastly, she has on an old pair of black Converse and her hair was about shoulder length and messy. I love it when her hairs messy. Its perfect. When I saw her, she had a goofy, gummy grin. The kind I adore so I couldn't help myself, but pull her into a hug. She smelt almost musky in a way, but a good musky. It's a heavenly scent. When the hug broke, I took a few seconds to examine her face. I got lost in her hazel eyes for just a moment then looked at her lips and imagined what they must feel like. I really did struggle with my bags. I wanted to seem strong, but she knows me better. I let her take one of my bags and I secretly loved it. It makes her seem like my protective girlfriend. What she'll never be.

Why might you ask am I thinking about her like this. Cause I'm in love with her. My own fucking twin sister. I know gross right? Wrong. I love her and that's all I care about. Fuck the rest. I wish she wasn't my sister so I could tell her how I feel without her being grossed out. If she knew my feelings about her she'd probably be disgusted with me and I cant take losing her so I keep my feelings secret. I've loved her ever since we were little kids. I loved spending every minute with her. We kissed once when we were 4. Just to try it out, see what all the fuss was about. That moment meant everything to me. I still think about it sometimes. I still feel her little lips on mine. I was a smart kid. I knew it was love from the very beginning. I knew we were soul mates. I just don't think she feels the same for me. We fight all the time, but I love spending every minute with her. I don't know why we started the whole "no touching" thing, but truth is, it makes it easier. I want to touch her all the time, but whenever I finally do, I want to ravish her with kisses, so I guess its better we don't touch, but I can't help myself. I think I might start breaking that rule. Earlier I told her I was excited to spend the next couple of weeks with her and that I loved her. Truth is, I am excited, but also extremely nervous. I think when I told her I loved her, it caught her off guard and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I told her I didn't want to pay for a hotel and that I should just stay with her. She seemed a little taken back by this, but agreed anyways. Money is no object to me. Its not like I'm rich, but its not something I really care about, and plus I have a feeling that something is going to happen these next couple of weeks. Something big, so I just had to stay with her.

On the way to her house, I think back to Emy. I loved her, I really did, but not as much as I love Tegan. Emy could tell something was up with me, i was becoming distant, cold. She broke it off with me eventually, telling me I needed to fix my "issues" before we could ever be back together. She said it pretty harshly, but I don't blame her. I was distancing myself, becoming an emotional void and trying not to think of anything, especially Tegan. It didn't work and now I'm single and Tegan has Lindsey. I envy Lindsey. She's an amazing photographer and a great friend, but she has the one thing I've always wanted. As long as she makes Tegan happy, though. That's all I want, is Tegan to be happy, even if I'm not the one making her happy. I take a quick glance at Tegan. She seems to be deep in thought and I wonder what she's thinking about and I hope it's about me. Don't keep your hopes up, Sara. The cab stops. We're here. We take out my bags, pay the cab, and make our way in.

Her house is clean. So unlike her. She must've cleaned before I got here. How nice of her. Her house is pretty much how I remembered it last. Knowing that, I immediately walk over to her white, sparkly kitchen, that has a hint of Pine Sol smell, open a cabinet and take out a mug. She's staring at me the whole time as if to take in my every move. I remember Tegan saying something about how her coffee maker broke so she bought instant. Good enough. I whip myself up a cup.

"You want me to make you a cup too, Tegan?", I ask to be friendly.

"No thanks", she says in monotone. Sounds like somethings wrong. I walk up to her and put my arm around her shoulder, breaking the no touching rule.

"Hey. Are you okay? You seem, I don't know, off?"

"Yeah I'm fine Sara. Just make yourself at home. I'm going to change."

I let her leave and do as she says. I sit down on her big black couch and set my mug on the coffee table which has three water rings on it. I love her to death, but she is just a pig sometimes. I reach for the remote and turn on the t.v. and sip on my coffee. Wait. I just remembered something. I got up and walked back to the kitchen and searched the pantry. I move around countless boxes of cereal. God is that all she eats? She needs more food. We're going grocery shopping later. I cant live off cereal. I wonder if it'll seem like we're a couple when we do go. Ahh. There it is. I grab the box and acted as if I was victorious for finding it. I walk back to the couch, sit down, and put my knees up to rest my chin on them. I sip some more coffee and dig my left hand into the box of goldfish crackers. Everything is perfect. If only the love of my life would finish changing and hopefully sit next to me. A girl can only hope.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Tegan's POV

When Sara put her arm around me, I lost it. I made up the excuse to go change, but I really ran to the bathroom to throw cold water on my face. Being closer to her is getting harder everyday. I didn't even bother to wipe the water off my face as I look into the mirror. As soon as I do so, I automatically see Sara instead of myself. I cringe at the sight. I'm in love with my twin sister and I see her in the mirror. Fuck my life. Note to self, stay away from mirrors. Right when I was about to turn away, a thought popped up in my head. I look back to the mirror and examine my/Sara's face and I think about Sara's song I Was Married. I think about that one line, "I look into the mirror for evil that just does not exist". I tell myself I'm not evil, sick, gross, or twisted. I'm just in love and no one can help who they love even if it happens to be a blood relative. I look into the mirror and realize there is nothing wrong with me and that maybe I should tell Sara how I feel. Not now though. I have to wait for the right moment, but I cant keep this bottled up anymore. She needs to know and maybe, just maybe, she feels the same. New note to self, look into mirrors whenever possible and think about that line. I dry my face and head off to my room to change since Sara is probably wondering what's taking me so long. I strip off what I'm wearing now and just throw on a plain black t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. As I walk back to the living room, I take one more swift glance at the mirror. You can do this, Tegan. I see Sara sitting on the couch with a box of goldfish crackers and watching t.v. I bought the goldfish a few days earlier especially for her. I knew she'd find them.

"Whatcha watch-", I was about to ask what she was watching, but I look at the t.v. and see Ceasar Millan and I already know, "really Sara? The Dog Whisperer?", I ask while laughing.

"I still feel like you're the weak dog in the pack and I want to know how to fix that. And plus, this show's just amazing anyways." she replies while laughing as well. Now I'm seated on the couch and about a foot away from her. When I sat down, I noticed her jump a little, like she didn't expect me to sit here. I wonder why.

"I see you found the goldfish I bought for you. You're welcome."

"You bought them just for me? Aww thanks Tee Tee." I was taken back by this a little. Tee Tee? Jesus it's been years since I've heard that.

"You haven't called me Tee Tee since we were like, 6.", I laugh nervously, while running my hand through my hair.

"I know, but you called me Sasa earlier so I had to call you Tee Tee."

"Hmm fair enough. So do you wanna watch a movie or something? You said you had a headache so we can just sit here all day and plus, I already changed", I hope she says yes about the movie. I need to take my mind off of her so I thought maybe a movie would help.

"Sure. A movie sounds good. Which one?" she asks, but never looking at me.

"You can pick. I don't really care." Truth is, I don't care what the hell she picks. As long as it can keep my mind focused on it and not gorgeous Sara. God damn, Tegan, you called her gorgeous when you're supposed to be thinking about movies. Wait. The mirror. I am not sick, I'm in love. Oh shit she's looking at me. She must have said something.

"Umm I'm sorry, Sara. Did you say something? I blacked out for a sec." Technically it's not a lie. I really did black out, just about her.

"Yeah I said is Mean Girls okay with you? I don't know why, but I love that movie and I could use a good laugh." she gives me this confused/concerning look. But thank Jesus she chose a funny movie and one that I fucking love.

"Yeah that's cool with me."

"Hey, you sure you're okay?" here she goes with the caring. I don't want to lie to her, but I'm not ready to tell her yet.

"Yes, Sara, I'm fine. Just tired is all", she gives me a look like 'that's bullshit, I know you're lying'. I gotta drag out the excuse a little more to seem believable., "and I'm kind of hungry." she nods her head like that's typical me.

"Typical Tegan. Gets moody when her stomach is empty." she laughs. "You want me to make you some food?" Oh God. Can she be more perfect? She would cook for me and that melts my heart.

"Nah. Thanks though. I'll just eat some cereal."

"That reminds me. We're going grocery shopping tomorrow. You may be able to live off of cereal, but I cant."

"Fine then. What time?" I ask, but really dreading on going shopping even if its for food.

"I dunno. Whenever we wake up I guess." I hope I sleep as long as possible to avoid shopping.

"Alright. Well start the movie and I'll get myself some of MY kind of food." I laugh and walk towards my kitchen. Sara rolled her eyes at me. That made me smile, until I officially got in my kitchen and got a wiff of Pine Sol. I hate that smell, but I tried to clean up a little before Sara got here cause I know she's a clean freak and she probably would've scolded me if it was dirty. Hmm Sara scolding me. Does that involve a whip? Yes, I think it does…just when I start fantasizing my "Sara whipping me for being 'dirty' dream", she calls me over saying the movie started. I quickly make myself a bowl of Captain Crunch and sit down. C'mon Lindsey Lohan, make me forget about Sara for at least an hour. Right when I say Lindsey Lohan, I automatically think of my girlfriend, Lindsey. Fuck. Well thanks Lohan, at least you're making me think of something other then Sara.

Sara's POV.

I can tell there is something wrong with Tegan, but she wont tell me what it is. Normally I would act like it didn't concern me (even though anything wrong with her has always made me worry) but I cant help myself from asking her what's wrong. It is really bothering me and I wish she'd tell me.

"Tegan, what's wrong?"

"Nothing Sara, just thinking. That's all."

"Whatcha thinking about cause it seems to be bothering you?"

"…umm Lindsey."

"Oh." That was all I could say. I didn't want to think about Tegan thinking about her girlfriend, but if it was bothering her then I wanted to help. I tried to hide the sadness on my face as I dove into this topic. "What about Lindsey?"

"I…uhh…think I-I'm gonna…break up with her." I couldn't believe it. I was ecstatic and sad at the same time. I was ecstatic because I was envious of Lindsey, but sad because Tegan is hurt and visibly shaking like a tweaker. They seemed so happy. What could've brought this on?

"Why, Tegan?"

"I just, I cant do this to her anymore! Im lying to her and myself and I cant fucking do it anymore!" She yelled with anger and sadness in her voice, but mostly with guilt and before I had a chance to ask what the hell she was talking about, she stood up and stormed off to her room and slammed the door. I just sat there. I was flabbergasted. What the fuck just happened? I ran over to her room almost tripping in the process and starting knocking on her door.

"Tegan! Open the door. I wanna help. What's wrong?" I could barely hear her crying on the other side. Now I was really fucking worried. "Tegan, please! I can hear you crying. Let me in!" I sound so desperate, but I just want to help my love. I could hear her get up from her bed and her footsteps getting closer before I hear her right on the other side of the door.

"S-Sara." I can hear her breathing uneven and she's still crying and then I hear her slide against the door and fall down with a thud. She's sitting against the door and I figured she is not going to let me in, so I'll talk to her this way. I slide against the door and sit down too.

"Tegan, what-what was all that? What's wrong?"

"I've been lying to her and myself, Sara. I cant do that anymore." I can tell her crying has calmed.

"What do you mean, Tegan? Did you…cheat?" I really didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. I heard her chuckle.

"I wish." okay whatever is wrong with her must be really fucked if she wished she cheated instead of whatever's wrong with her now.

"T-Tegan…what do yo-"

"I don't love her. I never did. I love someone else." Wait. What the hell? My mind is going crazy. She loves someone else? I got a sudden burst of happiness and I don't know why considering it's probably not me she loves.

"Who?"

"Goodnight Sara." I heard her get up and saw the light go off and heard her crawl into bed. She didn't answer me. I wanted to ask her again, but if she doesn't want to tell me than I cant force her and plus she's had a rough night. I'll ask again tomorrow. Right now, my mind is going 100mph and I need some sleep. I went back to the living room and turned off the tv and dvd player and put Mean Girls back in its case. I make another cup of coffee, grab a book, and head off to the guest room to read a little before I sleep and hopefully dream of Tegan.

"I love you, Tegan. With all my heart." I whisper to myself before I drift asleep.

Tegan's POV.

"I love you, Sara. With all my heart." I whisper to myself before I drift asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Tegan's POV.

_What the FUCK was I thinking?_ I just told Sara I love someone else. How could I let something like that slip up so easily around her? I didn't need to tell her I was breaking up with Lindsey either. I didn't even think about breaking up with her, it just slipped out. I was just thinking about how loving she's been to me and how I don't deserve her, but honestly the thought of ending it never even crossed my mind at the time until Sara spoke. Then I just lost it. It hurt so much to ignore her when she was trying to help me and to just say goodnight like nothing happened. I know she's worried as hell. I don't know what's wrong with me and now Sara is going to question me constantly if I'm okay and who is the other person I love. I cant tell her just yet. Fuck. Now there is way too much on my mind to go to sleep. Maybe I should go to her? Explain myself or something. It's the least I can do, right?

I slowly got out of bed and made my way to Sara's room. I know she's still awake. I was about to knock on the door when I realized I haven't even thought about what I was going to say and hopefully what I wouldn't say. Maybe this is a bad idea? No, Tegan, just shut the fuck up and do it. Here goes nothing. I knock on the door and wait for what can only be described as certain death. Too late to turn back now.

Sara's POV.

I was trying to read, but couldn't focus on the words on the page. I could only focus on what just occurred between Tegan and I. She said she loves someone else and I cant even fathom on how that's possible. She chased Lindsey for four years. _Four fucking years._ How can she just say she's ending it and that she loves someone else? I'll admit I was hoping it'd be me, but I know it's not. Any time someone mentions incest between us, she cringes and gets disgusted. Which only makes me feel worse about how I feel towards her. I gave up on trying to read. It was pointless and I won't be sleeping tonight anyways. I got under the blankets to get comfortable. Might as well get my body comfortable since my mind wouldn't be. I settled for the fact that this would be a long night. All of a sudden I heard a knock.

"Sara. It's me, can I come in?" I heard Tegan ask just outside my door. Her voice sounded sad and guilty. I simply muttered a yeah and heard the door open and close as I sat up on my bed watching Tegan make her way over to my bed. This really is going to be a long night.

No One's Pov.

Tegan sat on Sara's bed and played with her hands nervously, not knowing what to say. Neither one of them knew how to break the awkward silence and after about five minutes of just looking at each other, Sara caved.

"Tegan, why are yo-" Tegan cut off Sara before she could finish the sentence.

"Sara I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Storming off on you and not letting you help me or anything when I knew you were worried."

"Tee, it's fine. I just, I wish you would let me help you."

"No one can help me", Tegan whispered hoping Sara wouldn't hear, but she did.

"And why is that, Tegan? I _can _help you if you would just tell me what's wrong."

Tegan sighed, "I already told you."

"You vaguely told me." After Sara said that, Tegan remained silent, unsure of what to say. She wanted to tell Sara, she really did, but she could not risk ruining everything between them. So with that, Tegan leaned into Sara and kissed her cheek, whispered, "I'm so sorry, Sara. I just can't tell you." Sara sat there on the verge of tears. She wanted nothing more than to help the love of her life, and yet she couldn't. One single tear slid out of Sara's right eye. As much as Tegan wanted to hold Sara and tell her not to cry, she couldn't. She couldn't get that close to Sara without her feelings slipping out. Plus she could not bear to see Sara cry. So with that, Tegan wipped Sara's tear with her thumb, kissed her cheek once more, and headed out the door. When Tegan reached for the doorknob, Sara sniffled and muttered, "I love you, Tegan" as one last try to hope Tegan would tell her what's going on, but all Tegan did was stop in her tracks, lower her head, sigh, and reply, "I love you too, Sara", and she walked out the door.

Tegan Quin walked back to her room that night, curled up in a ball under the blankets and cried. Cried so long, she couldn't cry anymore and passed out.

Sara Quin layed back in her bed and cried. She cried so much, her whole body shook until every last tear was out and she too, passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

Tegan's POV

I awoke somewhere around 9am. It's now 12pm. I have been lying in bed for three hours because I'm afraid to see Sara. She said we had to go grocery shopping today though, so I should be getting up. I feel so bad for leaving her last night. She was crying and I left her. I just couldn't deal with that. My mind is just so fucked up right now. I need to make it up to her and I need to do it fast. I feel so guilty.

I throw the blankets off of me, quickly find my Cancer Bats shirt, some black skinnies, and my black Converse, get dressed, and head out my room. I was hoping Sara didn't wake up yet so I could sneak on by, but she was at the kitchen counter reading and drinking coffee. She looked up at me with confusion since she was in pajamas and I was dressed.

"Did you get dressed to go shopping already? Just hold on and let me get ready. I'll only be 15 min-" I cut her off before she finished.

"I'm going out real quick, Sara."

She was obviously even more confused.

"What? Where?"

For the first time today, I look directly into her eyes and saw nothing but sadness. A pleading kind of sadness. As if her eyes were telling me not to go, she needs me. I looked down.

"I'll only be gone for an hour. I just need to get something real fast and then we can go shopping, k? I promise." I looked back up at her face. She looked defeated.

"Oh…okay, Tegan. See you soon, I guess." Then she just walked past me and to her room where she shut the door. I hate to see her like this, but I'll make it up to her.

Sara's POV

Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. Be careful, please.

No One's POV

Tegan was walking all over the place trying to find the right store for something perfect for Sara. She was frantic. Looking every which way at every store when she suddenly came to a stop. She stared at a store across the street. She was unable to move, though. The wind was blowing her hair in her face and she didn't even bother to move it out of the way. When she finally did move, it was to check her wallet. She had maybe about a hundred dollars cash, which was not nearly enough, but she did have her credit cards. With a nervous sigh and a look of determination, she crossed the street without even looking both ways. The store was her only focus.

Tegan's POV

I found it. The perfect place to get Sara's gift. Tom Lee Music. One of the best music stores in Canada. Sara has been wanting a new acoustic guitar since the one she has been using is about 10 years old and I knew the perfect one to get her. A Gibson Blues King Modern Classic.

Instead of looking for the guitar, I straight up ask the lady who works here.

"Uhh, excuse me." She turns around upon hearing me. She's blonde with blue eyes. Her name tag says Veronica.

"Yes, can I help yo-oh my god. You're Tegan." Her eyes widen and she has a huge smile plastered on her face. Oh fuck. I was hoping I wouldn't get recognized.

"Uhh, yeah. Hi Veronica." She noticeably brightens because I know her name. "I need a Gibson Blues King Modern Classic. Do you have one by any chance?" I can tell she is nervous.

"Yes! I mean, yes, yes we do. I'll go get one for you right away." Then she rushed out to the back room before I even had a chance to thank her. About a few minutes later, she's back with Sara's gift in her hands.

"Here you go, Miss Quin. I mean Tegan Quin. No I mean Tegan. Uhh sorry, just you and your sister are my favorite band and this is like a dream come true meeting you." She said that so fats, I almost didn't catch it.

"Ha. It's okay. Just call me Tegan. Do you want anything signed before I pay for this?"

"Oh my god. You would really sign something for me?" I nod. She quickly grabbed a guitar from under the desk. "This one is mine and it'd be a real honor if you signed it." It was a Gibson Les Paul. She gave me a pen and I quickly signed it.

"I have a Gibson Les Paul too. We match." The smile on her face was so big, it looked like it hurt. I love our fans.

"Really? Oh, the acoustic cost $2290 by the way. I wish I could give you a discount and all, but my boss would kill me. I'm sorry."

"No really it's okay. Don't get upset. I wouldn't have taken the discount anyways. It wouldn't feel right." I handed her my credit card and the rest was history.

"Shit, I've been out for an hour. I need to get back to Sara fast." I mumbled to myself. I put the guitar in its case and fling it on my back. I'm walking as fast as I can back to my place. Man, I really hope Sara likes it. I hope it makes up for me being such an ass.

In about 10 minutes, I can see my house. I fumble with my keys, but I quickly open the door and walk in. "Sara, I'm home, but stay in your room. I'll be right there!" I want to surprise her so I don't want her coming out here.

"Okay?" She calls back. I run to the kitchen and look through all the drawers until I found a big green bow. I took the sticker off and slapped it on the case. Then I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote, 'Sorry for being an ass. I love you, Sara.' and with that, I head to her room.


	5. Chapter 5

Sara's POV

What the hell is Tegan doing? First, she leaves for an hour, then comes back and tells me to stay in my room. I am legitimately confused. Before I even have time to process what's going on in that head of hers, she opens the door. Her hands are behind her back and she's obviously holding something to hide it from me. She bouncing on the balls of her feet. She smiles sheepishly at me, blows the hair out of her face, and walks towards me. I can just see a large, black object behind her. She stops about 2 feet in front of me and with nothing but guilt in her eyes and voice says to me, "I got you something. I hope it makes up for everything." and brings what she was holding behind her back, in front of her. My jaw must have hit the floor.

"Tegan, I-I-can't, oh my god, why, what?" I can't even speak normally.

"Open it." Her voice caused me to snap out of the daze I was in and actually open it. I slowly unzipped the case and when I finally completely unzipped it, I was in tears.

"Tegan, you didn't. Oh my god. How much did this cost? Why did you?"

"I wanted to make up for not being a good sister and I know you love your guitar, but you've had it for so long. I wanted to get you something you deserve. Oh, and don't worry about the price. I got it." When she said those words to me, I wanted to kiss her so bad. I actually almost did, but I bit my tongue and forced tears out instead and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I love you, Tegan. Thank you so so so much. I'll pay you back somehow." She broke the hug to push me in front oh her and she looked me directly in the eyes and said, "You already pay me back by living." then she walks out the door. There were tears of joy streaming down my face. I love her so much. I need her. What the hell did she mean by that? She has never told me that kind of thing before. She confuses me so much. I don't have much time to dwell on her confusing statements though because my new baby is calling my name.

Tegan's POV

Did I really just tell Sara that? I think I did. Oh fuck. I let it slip. Oh god. I'm just going to bury myself in a book.

Sara's POV

After about an hour or two of tuning and playing my guitar, I decide to put it back in its case. I notice the green bow Tegan had put on it. Her little cute actions make me smile. As I'm carefully putting the guitar in its case, I notice white paper in the bow. I grabbed it and unfolded it. "Sorry for being an ass. I love you, Sara." was written in Tegan's messy scrawl.

No One's POV

It was in that moment that Sara could no longer control herself. First, Tegan buys her a guitar, then she tells Sara that she pays her just by living, then she writes a note saying she loves Sara. Sara doesn't even know the meaning of self control right now. She knows what she wants and doesn't even think of the risks right now. In her mind there are no risks. Just Tegan. Sara's love for Tegan has just surpassed any feelings she had for her before. This is it, she's sure of it now. She is madly and deeply in love with her twin sister, but right now Sara doesn't see Tegan as her twin. She see her as her better half, her one and only, her soul mate, and she walks out her bedroom to go get her. She doesn't even knock when she arrives at Tegan's door. She just opens it and finds Tegan reading, but upon hearing her door open, Tegan looks up from her reading and stares directly at Sara. That's all Sara needs to move forward. She stammers towards Tegan, closer and closer.

"Sara, what are you-" Tegan doesn't even have time to finish her question. Sara cut her off with her lips.


	6. Chapter 6

Tegan's POV

Sara is kissing me. That's all I can think about. I can feel her everywhere. She has taken complete control over all my senses. I am drowned in her scent and right when I start to kiss her back, she pulls away. My room is pretty dark, but there's enough sunlight coming through the window to see Sara's face. She's crying. I grabbed her face in between my hands.

"Shh, Sara. What's wrong? Why are you crying? Please don't cry."

"I-I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again, Tegan". Her sentence was rushed and she ran out of my room. I didn't even have a chance to tell her to stay. Maybe she really didn't mean to kiss me. I don't know why she would though. Should I go after her? Does she realize that I was starting to kiss her back? We still need to go grocery shopping. Great, just fucking great. Should I go get her? Is it too risky? I guess it's worth a shot.

I very slowly walk to her room. So slow that I'm not even sure I'm moving at all. I'm trying to collect my thoughts before I talk to her. Do I bring it up? What if she brings it up? Shit. I've arrived at her door. I knocked twice and the noise has never sounded so loud. It's like it echoed the whole house. I swallow nervously.

I tried to open the door, but it's locked. I can hear her crying through the door. I bite my tongue to fight back my tears.

"Sara. Uhh Sara, are we still going grocery shopping? Y-you said you can't l-live off cereal, remember?" I chuckled nervously and ran my fingers through my hair. I must look like an idiot standing there biting my lip, knees shaking slightly, a pained look on my face.

I heard her fumble around quite a bit before she finally opened the door. Her eyes are puffy and red from crying. She looks me straight in the eye and I had to catch my breath.

"Yeah, sure lets go", she mumbled and walked right past me. I followed behind her into the kitchen and grabbed my wallet and keys and headed out the door.

Sara's POV

I know she's afraid to bring it up, just like I am, and I'm grateful for that. I also know she wants an explanation. I don't know if I can give her one, at least not the truth. I'll have to make up some stupid lie.

I had a moment of no self control while I was in my room earlier. Right when Tegan came to my door, I lost it. The tears flowed even more and I just couldn't control myself. I rummaged through my bag and found an old friend of mine. I haven't used it in a long time, but I still carry it with my just in case. My razor. I made 5 slashes on my left wrist and watched the very essence of life flow out and fall upon the carpet. I made a mental note to clean it up later before Tegan notices. Which is also why I wore a long sleeve shirt so Tegan wouldn't notice the cuts either.

The walk to the store is silent and unbearable. I want to hear her lovely voice and yet I'm so fucking afraid to.

"Sara", she starts. It's like she fucking read my thoughts. "Sara, we don't have to talk about it okay? Whatever that was is, um, is okay…okay?"

I can feel the tears fighting their way out. I can feel them punching my eyes just begging to be released. I take a deep breath. I still can't look at her.

"I was just really happy about the guitar. So happy that I guess I just decided to kiss you?" Fuck that sounded more like a question than an excuse. I finally decide to look at her. She looks sad. Very sad. Did I cause that?

"Oh…okay, Sar." The conversation ended quicker than it started.


	7. Chapter 7

Tegan's POV

I can't tell whether Sara is lying or not and frankly, I don't want to. I hope she is, I really do, but if she's telling the truth then my heart couldn't bear it. You could cut the tension with a knife. As we walk down the windy streets of Vancouver, the silence becomes more and more awkward. Neither one of us has anything to say or even knows what to say. I can't tell whether that's good or bad.

Finally, after 10 minutes of the unbearable silence, we've reached our destination: some shitty Wal-Mart. But, hey, gives us an excuse to talk, right? I grab a shopping cart while she shoves her hands in her pockets. As we walk into the store, I tried to look at her, look into those beautiful eyes of hers to get a clue of what she's feeling. She found the ground more appealing and avoided my eyes. Avoiding eye contact, are we?

"Well, Sara, where should we start? I kind of have an idea of what I want, but what about you?" I nearly choked trying to ask that. It felt so forced.

"I, uhh, I don't know, Tegan. Just do your own thing and I'll follow." Her voice sounds strained and she's still avoiding eye contact.

"Still find that ground more appealing, eh?", I asked in a playful tone. Her head snaps up and she looks directly in my eyes. My playful smirk turns into a nervous gulp. We hold each other's gazes, worried for that who ever looks away first is the coward. After what seems like an eternity, she looks away and smiles. A smile, yes!

"Ha, yeah I guess so. Hmm." She walks off toward the freezer food. Guess I'll be the one following.

As we shop around and pretend to act like normal sisters, I can feel the mood lightning up. The awkward situation is no where near out of our minds, but at least we're acting like it is. Sara and I are even cracking jokes every now and then. When she turns away to laugh or grabs a food item, I find myself staring at her. I want to take in every aspect of her. I feel as though things are going to be different from now on. I can't tell whether it'll be good or bad, but I'm going to memorize everything about her just in case.

Sara's POV

The walk on the way to the grocery store was probably the most awkward situation I have ever been through. It was worth it though. You know why? Because I kissed Tegan. I finally kissed the girl of my dreams and even though it potentially ruined everything, it made my entire life.

Now we're in the grocery store and our moods seemed to have lightened up and for that I'm grateful. The awkward is just too much to handle. I can tell Tegan is trying to make this all better. She's cracking jokes and being the goof that I love and I'm really trying to act okay for her.

"Hey, Sar, can you get that box up there? I can't reach it.", Tegan asks with a mischievous smile on her lips.

"We're the same height. If you can't reach it, what makes you think I can?", I place my hands on my hips and her smile falters and she pouts.

"Because…because I-" I cut her off.

"You're too lazy, aren't you?", now I have the mischievous smile.

"…uhh yeah. That's it.", She has a nervous smile and she rubs the back of her head. I can't say no to someone as adorable as her.

"Okay, Tee. I'll get it.", her smile beams and that causes me to smile. Our smiles would soon falter though. As I reach to grab the box, my left sleeve falls down. I didn't think anything of it until I grabbed the box and handed it to her and she grabbed my left wrist. I winced since the cuts were still fresh and that's when I realized she saw them. She saw my secret and the mood was instantly turned back to awkward. She lifts my sleeve up to reveal my 5 secrets. Her eyes trail from the cuts to my eyes and her mouth opens and closes as she decides whether to talk or not. Finally her eyes settle upon mine and I see sadness, worry, guilt, and every other fucked up emotion in her eyes and I look away. I can't look into those sad eyes of hers. I tried to free my wrist from her grasp, but her grip is tight and I wince again from the pain. That seems to snap her out of her daze and she stares at my wrist again. I followed her eyes and looked at her hand on my wrist and noticed there was blood seeping between her fingers. I look back to her eyes and she looks at mine. Panic is written all over her face. A few tears make their way down her cheeks and yet I can't look away anymore.

"S-Sara." Her eyes are pleading for answers that I cannot give. I've never wished more in my life to look or run away from Tegan than I did in that moment.

But her piercing gaze went straight into my soul and I couldn't move one fucking inch.


	8. Chapter 8

Tegan's POV

I don't even know what to do right now. Sara is cutting herself and now that I know she isn't even saying anything! I'm not letting her go. Her blood is on my hands, but I don't care. I need to know why this happened. There's this gut wrenching pain in my stomach. Knowing the person you love more than anything is hurting themselves and you can't do anything about it is an unimaginable pain. I need to help her, not just for her, but for me too.

"S-Sara, wh-what is this? W-why, Sara? Why?", I plead. My voice sounds so cowardly and scared. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks and I curse myself for not being strong enough for her.

"Tegan, please, c-can we not talk about this?" I give her a "are you fucking kidding me" look and she immediately her words, "I-I mean n-not here, at least." Her face has panic written all over it. She's scared about this conversation and I can't blame her. I'm scared too. I look down and realize I'm still holding her wrist. I let her go and looked at my hands. My left hand is clean, bare, and callused from years of guitar playing. Years of writing songs for Sara. Years of trying to make her happy. My right hand is covered in Sara's blood. I can't see my calluses. I see failure, years of failure. Years of failed attempts to make her happy. On one hand I see what I _thought_ I was doing, helping. On the other, I see what I was _really _doing, failing. I use my clean, "helping" hand to wipe my tears away and I mumbled, "let's go to the park". I didn't need to look up to know she nodded. We left our cart and walked out of the store and down the street.

Just when I thought we were over these awkward silent walks.

Sara's POV

I've ruined everything. To see the love of my life look at her blood stained hand, the blood of her fucking twin sister, and to not only see, but _feel _the sadness she radiated, was excruciating. I haven't even begun to think about what I was going to tell her either.

It took all of about 8 minutes to get to the park.

"W-where would you, uhh, like to sit?", she asks. I can tell she's nervous. So am I.

"It doesn't matter, Tegan." with that said, she walks over to a swing and takes a seat. I don't quite follow yet. I just stand there and stare at my wrist. That's when I look at her and see that the blood is dried up on her hand. She looks at me with pleading eyes so I make my way over to the swing right next to her and sit down.

We sit there and sway around for awhile both thinking about what to say. I look up at the sky and can see that the sky is gray and the clouds are full and dark, like it's going to rain soon. I sighed and noticed Tegan's head snap towards my direction. I look at her and smile. Not a true, genuine smile, but not a forced one either.

"Sara, I love you. I love you so much." she looks back down at the ground.

"Still find the ground more appealing, eh?" I used the same line she used earlier and said it in the same way. She looks back up and smiles. "I know, Tegan. I love you too."

"Then why? Why this?" she then lifts up her blood covered hand and I noticed a tear run down her cheek again. I leaned over to wipe it with my thumb. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her up and walked her over to the drinking fountain. I put her right hand under the water and cleaned her hand off for her. The blood washes down the drain and I wish that our problems would wash down the drain and I could have her. She looks back up at me and cries. Once her hand was clean and dried it off on my shirt and then wiped her tears away with my sleeve and pulled her in for a hug. She starts crying again on my shoulder and I realized there's no point to wipe her tears if more keep coming and soon, I found myself crying silently. I don't want her to know I'm crying too.

"I was unhappy, Tegan. It's nothing anymore. I'm okay."

"H-how can you s-say it's nothing? W-what were y-you unhappy about? Are you s-still upset? Why w-would you c-cut yourself? That d-doesn't s-solve anything, S-sara.". she's crying so much that all I hear are sniffles and she's stuttering her words. I bite my lip to keep my own tears at bay.

I don't know what to tell her so I just stay silent.

No One's POV

Frustrated with Sara's lack of response, Tegan pulls away from the hugs roughly.

"Why can't you tell me, Sara? We're sisters, twins! I-I should know why you're doing this!" Tegan then collapses on the floor and holds her head in her hands and sobs. Sara can't bear the sight of Tegan like this. She sits down next to Tegan and holds her close, but Tegan is still upset and pulls away.

"W-was it because of the kiss?" Tegan whispers so low, Sara barely caught it. Sara is taken back by this and stays silent, collecting her thoughts.

"Was it, Sara?"

"No, no it wasn't." Sara is lying right through her teeth and she hates it. She hates herself right now and she desperately wants to cut again. "We kissed when were kids, you know", Sara starts, "I was just so happy you bought me a guitar like that. It was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I was so happy I kissed you and I-I'm sorry, Tegan. I know that it probably bothered you and our whole no touching thing. I'm sorry, but that's not why I did…this." Sara then holds up her wrist covered in dried blood.

"Look, Sara, the kiss was no big deal. I didn't even care that you did, but why did you do this? I could've helped you."

Sara then started to cry. After hearing Tegan say "I didn't even care that you did" just pushed her over the edge. "She doesn't care. She can never love you like that." Sara thought over and over.

After seeing Sara cry, Tegan pulled her in for a hug.

"I can help you, Sara." Tegan whispers in her ear, "you have to tell me what's going on though."

Sara just wanted this conversation to end. She wanted to go home and cry. She wanted to forget about all this. She's so desperate for an escape, so she said the first lie that came to her mind.

"Emy."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Holy crap you guys, I am so so so sorry it's been sooooooo long since an update. I've just had a very hectic, unmotivated year and I'm just really sorry. Thanks to everyone who still remembers this story and will continue to read.**

Tegan's POV

Emy. She's still in love with Emy. And I'm supposed to help her with that? How do you help the girl you're in love with get over her feelings for another person? I'm at a loss for words and I've forgotten how to breathe. I know I should say something, but I'm more focused on trying not to cry. Her gaze is locked onto me, I can feel it, and yet I can only stare at her wrist. The cuts are just a reminder of how hard she's fallen for Emy, but yet I cant look anywhere else. I need to force myself to realize the situation at hand and that she needs my help no matter how I feel about it because I love her. The things you do for love.

"Tegan, please say something", Sara pleads. The massive amount of pain in her voice causes me to look at her. Her eyes are full of guilt, sadness, and tears. Her beautiful hazel eyes should never look this way. She's stopped crying a bit, but her eyes are still puffy and red as is her nose. She has clear streaks of past tears covering her face and her lip is trembling in a way that makes my heart ache. I use my right hand to smooth her disheveled hair and then wipe her face while my left hand holds hers. Before I say anything, I glance back down at her wrist to make sure the bleeding has stopped. There's 3 small drops of blood leaking down, but nothing compared to how bad it was earlier so I decide to let it pass and focus on talking to her. I look back into her eyes and offer a sad smile. She returns the gesture. I gulp in an attempt to swallow my fear.

"So you still love her?", my voice sounds foreign to me, almost dead. She drops her gaze and turns her head to the left. The wind rushes past us and she sighs. She returns her eyes back to mine and they hold that same guilty look as earlier.

"Yes, but she doesn't love me back.", she sighs.

"How do you know that?"

"She has a girlfriend."

"So?"

"Look, Tegan, I just know she doesn't.", she huffs. I'm a little taken back at how harsh she sounds. As if she can read my thoughts, her eyes widen and she begins to apologize. "No, Tee, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help. This is just hard for me, I guess."

"I know, Sar, but…but cutting yourself isn't going to help the situation. It's not…it's not going to make her love you back."

"I know. I just needed to feel something."

"Sar-"

"Can we stop talking about this, Tegan? Please? I just wanna go home.", she pleads. Her voice is trembling and she looks as if she's about to cry again. It's time for me to be her big sister. My hand travels back to cradle her faces and she offers me an apologetic smile.

"What about our groceries?", I ask, suddenly remembering why we went out in the first place.

"I really just need to get back to your place."

"Okay. I'll get them later.", she nods and begins to stand up. I get up quicker than she does so I can help her up. I only grab her right wrist though because I don't want to cause any more damage to the other. "There's a first aid kit in the bathroom. You can use it to…y'know…". She nods again. I help dust her off and then do myself. We walk off in silence.

Sara's POV

I don't know how to fix this. I completely lied to Tegan's face just so she'd believe it was Emy I was talking about and not her. I should have never cut myself in the first place. The look in Tegan's face broke my heart. She just looked so helpless, like she wanted to fix me, but didn't know how, and I cant blame her. I don't know how to fix me either. The cold wind blowing against my face is the only reminder I have that proves that this is real, that I really am fucked up.

The walk back to her apartment is another one full of silence. Every now and then I'll sneak a peek at her. She just stares at the floor holding no emotion and to know I'm the cause of that makes me want to die. A bit melodramatic, I know, but I loveher far too much to see her like this. She fucking bought me a guitar and I do this shit to her. Why did I have to kiss her? She was just being nice and I fucked everything up. I'm not going to lie and say that wasn't the best kiss I've ever had though. She didn't kiss back, but to just feel her soft, smooth lip against my own was enough for me. Sometimes I really want her to know how I feel, but I'm too afraid to tell her. I fear the hatred that'll pass through her eyes for having such a disgusting sister. The band wil end and we'll never talk again and I just can't deal with that. I'm getting far too lost in my thoughts and before I know it, we're back at the apartment.

Tegan fishes the key out of her pocket and opens the door. She motions for me to go inside first so I smile at her in thanks.

"Do you want some coffee, Sara? Goldfish, perhaps?", she's already heading to the coffee machine being cute as hell trying to cheer me up.

"You don't need to do that, Tee. You should rest."

"Nonsense. Go get yourself cleaned up and I'll have this ready in a jiffy.", she turns around to flash me that perfect gummy smile of hers and I couldn't help myself. I walked up and hugged her. She seemed taken back at first, but she soon returned the hug, squeezing me tight. She still smells like an angel, musky and floral at the same time. I'll never get used to it and how calm it makes me feel.

"Thank you, Tegan."

"Anything for you", she whispers in my ear and lets me go. "now let me finish your coffe", she laughs. I giggled and walked off to the bathroom to clean my wrist. I might never tell her my true feelings, but at least we'll still have each other. I began to think that maybe everything will be okay between us. That is, until I heard a knock on the door. "I'll get it!", Tegan yelled. I heard what sounded like a cup crash into the floor. Being the worry wart that I am, I ran to check on Tegan. She stood in the doorway staring out at whoever was at the door. Her body was blocking the view so I moved closer to see what was going on.

"Tegan, who is it? What's wro-", I was shocked at who was at the door and I lost all ability to speak. Only one word came to mind and that was 'fuck', but that wasn't the next word that came out of my mouth.

"Emy."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Alright I'm gonna try to upload more frequently so here ya go! Thank you for the reviews on the last chapters. You guys are the best for still reading this.**

Tegan's POV

_What the fuck. _I cannot form any words right now. I'm just standing there at the door gaping like a fish at Emy while there's broken glass at my feet. She looks nervous and she's shifting her eyes back and forth. I remember faintly hearing Sara in the background asking me what was wrong before she said Emy's name. _Oh shit. _Sara. Emy. In my apartment. Sara's ex-girlfriend and the woman whom she still loves is at my door while her twin sister who is madly in love with her stand no more than 3 feet in front of said ex-girlfriend. Why cant I catch a break? When did my life decide to turn to shit. Emy finally fixes her gaze at me.

"Uhh…can I, uhh, come in?", she looks desperate as if her very life depends on whether or not I let her inside. Should I? I mean, do I really want to? I could just say no, that we're busy. But no, I cant do that to Sara. What if this is her chance, her chance to be happy? Who am I to deny Sara happiness even if it isn't with me? I answer her by opening the door more and moving to the left. She side steps the glass and sends me a thankful smile. I shut the door, not caring about the glass scattered across the floor. Maybe this stupid glass mug is a metaphor for my heart. I was totally fine, about to give it to Sara when Emy shows up and it breaks. Then she just steps over it, not even caring and moves her way to the woman of my dreams. I sense a new song coming up.

I turn back to look at Emy and Sara. Emy still has the nervous shakes and Sara is wide-eyed, having not moved at all. The silence is suffocating, but thankfully Emy decides to speak first.

"I'm sorry for turning up so…so sudden, but, Sara, I need to talk to you", she turns back to me and gives me an apologetic smile then returns back to Sara, "alone." Oh, god. I know what's going to happen. Please, Sara, _please_ say no. _Please. _Sara's eyes still haven't shut to a normal size as she shifts her feet around and fumbles with her hands.

"Yeah o-okay. S-sure."

I didn't even know I was crying until I felt something wet on my face. I looked all over the living room, anywhere except Sara. Finally, I landed on the broken glass, my broken heart. I quickly walked to the kitchen to get a dust pan and a small handheld broom. The tears were starting to cloud my vision, but I did the best I could to clean my heart up off the floor and dump it in the trash before I stormed off to my room looking anywhere, but Sara.

Sara's POV

I was still in fight or flight mode staring at Emy. I could see Tegan cleaning up the glass in my peripheral vision and then walk off to her room. She looks upset and I can only imagine why. I told her I cut myself over Emy and then she shows up unannounced. It must have set Tegan's big sister mode on overdrive. It's very cute of her, but Emy is a bigger…issure right now. I'll worry about Tegan later.

"What do you want, Emy?"

"I just wanted to talk."

"About?", she flinched at my voice. I admit it was harsh, but I seriously want to know why she showed up. We haven't spoken in months and I don't want to be reminded of my repressed feelings for Tegan while she and I dated.

"I want you back.", she mumbled.

"Excuse me, I don't think I heard you correctly. Did you say you want me back?" I don't think my eyes could get any wider and my voice any higher than they are now.

"Yes." She's staring me straight in the eye with confidence. Her whole demeanor has changed to one of commitment. This is when I panic and me panicking is not a good thing.

"EMY, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We broke up. YOU said I was isolating myself from you and I, and I quote, "need to fix my fucking issues before I can be good girlfriend material". Do you not remember that?" I admit, I have trust issues and such in relationships, but that's because they're not Tegan. I cant trust them like I can her and they can never deal with it so they end it, but Emy was very harsh with me when we broke up and I cant forget that.

"I know! I know what I said, but that doesn't mean I meant it!"

"Oh so now you lied to me? You called me fucked up and did it for shit and giggles? What the fuck, Emy!"

"No, that's not why I said it! I just, I just needed space from you and I don't know why I said that stuff. I really don't, but I take all of it back, Sara. Just hear me out." Tegan probably heard most of this stuff and is probably wondering why I'm not taking Emy back. I mean, I did tell her I still loved Emy. She'll wonder why I didn't take her back. She'll wonder why I _really _cut myself. This is fucked and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.

"Emy…"

"I know I fucked up, Sara, but please think about it. Think about us. Please give me another chance. I wont let you down this time. I'll always be there for you. I'm 100% committed to you." But I'm not to you.

"I need some time to think. Could you please leave?" I really needed her out of here.

"Yes, of course. Call me, Sara. And tell Tegan I'm sorry. I'll buy her a new mug." Then she walked out the door and I fell to the floor cradling my head trying to figure out a way to fix this mess I've created.

No One's POV

Tegan heard Sara yelling. She didn't hear most of everything else, but she got the jist of what was said. Emy wanted Sara back and Sara freaked. But why? Sara just told Tegan not even an hour earlier that she still loved Emy. Was she lying or did Emy just fuck up too much? Sara never told her all of those thing Emy said to her when they broke up. If Tegan would have known…

Tegan decided to walk out and check on Sara. She saw her sitting on the floor, her body shaking from crying. She rushed to Sara's side.

"Sara, are you okay?", her voice laced in nothing but concern.

"She wants me back, Tegan."

"I know. I thought you'd be happy, but after knowing what she said to you-"

"Tegan, it's in the past."

"I don't care, Sara. She hurt you. I heard you. How can you still love her?"

Sara Quin did not know what to do. Tell Tegan the truth or pretend to love and be with Emy to mask her feelings for Tegan.

She chose the latter.

"I just do, Tegan. You know it's hard to get over people no matter what they say to you." Sara hoped she was lying well enough to fool Tegan and it seemed to have worked. Sara was biting her lip in thought when she finally turned to face Tegan, whose face looked as if it were to crumble at any second. She kept breaking Tegan and didn't know how to fix it.

"Tee, what's wrong?"

Tegan put on her best game face and came up with a reasonable lie.

"Nothing, I'm fine. I just want what's best for you and I want you to be happy," Tegan scratched the back of her neck, a nervous habit she's never been able to quit, "And I thought it was kind of cool for us to both be single at the same time. That doesn't happen very often." Tegan chuckled.

Sara's heart swelled in both happiness and sadness. She thought it was so sweet that Tegan just wanted what was best for her (even though Tegan was what was best for her), but yet she was hoping Tegan would somehow confess more than just sisterly feelings towards her, but she should have known.

Sara giggled, "thank you, Tee. Hey! What about that girl you fell for? The one you..uhh…left Lindsey for?" Sara was nervous about bringing this up because Tegan still hasn't talked about it and she knew it was probably some beautiful, perfect girl that wasn't her.

"Oh, she uhh, she wouldn't go out with me." Tegan was shaking her head and chuckling nervously.

"And why is that? You're a catch!"

"She loves someone else and I'm pretty sure they're going to start dating." Tegan's face fell so Sara automatically pulled her in for a hug. They sat there on the floor hugging for what seemed liked hours, but was only a few minutes.

Sara whispered, "I'm so sorry, Tee."

Tegan sniffled, "It's okay, Sasa. It's not your fault."

Sara didn't say anything, but merely nodded. It remained silent for a few minutes, both girls lost in deep thought, yearning for the other that was no more than a foot away from them, and wondering how their lives got so complicated.

Finally Sara spoke up.

"Some love life we got huh, Tee?"

Tegan chuckled.

"Yeah."

She couldn't help but think how right Sara was.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: This chapter contains horribly written drunk dialogue and I'd like to apologize in advance.**

Tegan's POV

It's been a couple days since the whole Emy fiasco and as far as I know Sara hasn't spoken to her, which makes me incredibly happy. Sara and I haven't really spoken on the matter either, but it's not like I want to. I don't want to be reminded of her feelings for someone other than me. She'll be leaving in a little over a week anyways and once she does, I'll try to get over her. I mean, I have to. I thought I could convince myself that I wasn't as fucked as I thought I was, but I can't. I thought I'd be able to tell her how I feel, but I can't. I cannot face the disgust that I know she'll feel the shame of being my sister. Ugh, I need a drink.

I walk from my dimly lit room and into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. All I have is red wine because that's the type Sara and I always preferred. I'd offer her some, but she's been in the guest room all day probably writing music about Emy so I don't want to disturb her. I lean against the counter and nurse my wine. It's bitter and sweet and runs down my throat so smooth that I contemplate pouring myself another. What the hell, I have nothing to lose. The first interview isn't until tomorrow afternoon so I figure I could indulge on some wine and I haven't had a good buzz in a while. I quickly chug my current glass and pour myself another. Then I take my glass and the rest of the bottle and go sit on the couch to watch some TV.

It's about 5pm and I've been in my pajamas all day. I managed to go grocery shopping yesterday while Sara was asleep and that's where I picked up some wine. Call it a hunch, but I knew it'd be needed. I also bought her some goldfish crackers since she ate them all so quickly. Anyways, back to my pajamas, I'm just wearing a black tank top and some plaid pj pants. I must look a sight with a wine bottle next to me and Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV. I wonder what Sara would think of me if she saw me right now. Would she be embarrassed of me? Ashamed? Or would she laugh? I would be devastated if she felt that way. I want her to like me. God, I want her to love me. I would treat her like the angel she is. Fuck, I shouldn't be thinking about her. Oh well, drinking more should help.

I'm starting to drink faster. I'm already on my third glass and have a good buzz going on. At this rate, I'll be drunk soon, which is pretty much my goal because my thoughts of Sara will not stop and being drunk seems to be my only option now.

Bottoms up.

Sara's POV

I've been sitting in Tegan's guest room for a few hours now just writing new songs. All about her, yes. We haven't talked much after Emy showed up and I'm starting to miss. I haven't talked to Emy yet either because I have no idea what to say to her, nor do I have anything I want to say to her. She came in here and turned my whole life even more upside down, if that's possible. I had no desire to be with her again, but if I don't want Tegan to find out how I feel, maybe I should. No, that'd be too cruel even for me. Sure Emy broke me and it'd be nice to make her think I loved her again, but even she doesn't deserve that. But what would I tell Tegan? She'll ask why I cut myself, confessed my love, and then proceeded to not date her. I could say it's too far into my past and she knows I don't like to repeat my past. Maybe I could just say that I'll force myself to fall out of love with her, but then she may ask why since Emy told me she loved me and we could potentially work out. Ugh, this hurts me head. I'll dwell on it later, but right now I need a cup of coffee.

I set my lyric book aside and walk out to the kitchen. The living room is dimly lit and I can hear a television show up so that means Tegan must be up and about. She confirmed my suspicions because as soon as I entered the living room Tegan yelled out "hi." She's grinning and her hair is unkempt. There's an empty bottle of wine knocked over on the table. Oh great, she's drunk.

"Sara, Sara come sit down." She slurs and pats the seat next to her. I swallow my nerves and walk towards her. Drunken Tegan could do anything and forget everything. I plop down and she immediately puts her arm around my next and draws me it. "I'm s-sorry. I didn't know you were gonna gonna show up odderwise I would have saved you some wine." She giggles. Her breath reeks of alcohol and her eyes are glazed over and I'm starting to wonder just how drunk she is.

"Oh no, it's fine."

"You sure?" She moves her face closer to mine, almost examining me in a way.

"Yeah, Tegan, it's fine. Listen, how drunk are you exactly?" She draws her eyebrows in, thinking of an answer. I immediately know the answer when she uses her free hand to count her fingers. Yeah she's fucking drunk.

"Uhh, about a lot." She hiccups, smiles, and then laughs. She then begins to laugh too much and falls back onto the couch, clutching her stomach. I can't help but marvel at her beauty, the way she's letting go right now. She seems so carefree and happy and a dim light really does justice for her smile. I don't know why, but it does. I find myself fighting the urge to kiss her even though she's drunk and would probably forget. It's just something I won't risk. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, she calms down and sits back up. She reaches for her bottle and wine, but realizes it's empty, and turns to me.

"Aww fuck, I need more wine. Sar do we have any more?"

"Uhh, I think you have some beer in the fridge, but maybe you've had a bit much, yeah? Time for bed, perhaps?" If she doesn't go to bed now she'll really regret it with the hangover in the morning.

She smiles. "Oh no no noooo. I'm fine, Sara. 143% fine. I swear it." She then attempts the make a cross over her heart, but ends up slapping her own chin and laughing some more.

"Okay fine, but let me get you some aspirin. You don't wanna wake up with a hangover do you?"

I stood up and started to walk to the bathroom when she said, "I knew there was a reason I'm c-crazy for you. You're sooo caring, S-Sara. Okay, I'm gonna get a beer or three." And then she stands up and wobbles away like nothing happened, like she didn't just say when I think she just said. She's crazy for me? What the hell does that mean? I'm too shocked to move until I hear her yelling if I was sure I didn't want to drink. Fuck it, I need one.

"Yeah, give me one." Then I trudge to the bathroom for her aspirin.

When I return she's back on the couch drinking her beer and has an opened one on the table for me I assume. I hand her the aspirin and go to the kitchen for a glass of water, but she downs them with the beer.

"Tegan, you're supposed to take those with water. More alcohol will defeat the purpose."

She smirks and mumbles an "oh well."

We sit there telling stories about our childhood whilst sipping our drinks every now and then. Well I'm sipping, Tegan is borderline chugging, but that's okay. I want her to loosen up because I plan on asking her about what she said earlier. But suddenly, it seems as if I don't have to.

"Hey Sar, do you, do you member when were little k-kids and we, uhh, we, uhh kissed? Because mum and d-dad did it and we wanted t-to see what it'd be like?" She slurs. She's looking down and playing with her hands, a sign she's nervous. She's still incredibly drunk, but nervous nonetheless.

"Yes, I do. Why?" I take a sip.

"I, uhh, don't freak okay!? But I still t-think about it…..a lot." She exclaims and chugs the rest of her drink. Then she plays with the bottle. I am completely taken back. Does this mean? No, it cant…can it? Play it cool, Sara. Play it cool.

"Really? Why?" I lean in closer to her. I have a death grip on my drink, I am so nervous.

She scratches the back of her neck and chuckles. "I don't know, Sasa. I guess it's because I like you." It's almost as if she's not even drunk anymore, she's not slurring anymore. But are you fucking kidding mr? is she about to tell me what I've dreamed of for over a decade?

"You like me? How so, Tegan?" I sip my drink. She opens another one, downs it, and then gets up and paces the living room.

"Look, Sara, I'm sorry. This is gonna ruin everything and I know I'm talking too fast for you to really understand me and I know we have a carerr and the fans and mom and everything and I'm so so so sorry, but I cant help it, I just-"

I cut her off. "Tegan, what is it? Just tell me. I could never hate you. You're my sister."

"That's exactly why you will hate me!"

"Tegan, come on. Please tell me, I bet it isn't that bad."

She stares me dead in the eyes and says, "I love you." As simple as that, nothing more.

"I love you too, Tegan."

"No, you don't get it, Sara. I _love _you." She stares at the floor again. "I'm…in love with…you."

Did I just hear that correctly? Tegan is in love with me? The person I've been pining for over a decade loves me back? I think I'm going to faint, I can't breathe.

"Sara, say something please."

"Tegan, are you being completely honest or is this the alcohol talking?"

"Well, I mean I probably wouldn't have told you unless I were drunk, but yes, I'm being honest. I'm so sorry. I never meant t-" I cut her off by running into her arms, crying. "Sara, are you okay? I'm so sorry, really I am. I tried to stop it."

"Tegan, shut up."

"I'm sorry, what?" She leans out of the embrace to give me a questioning look.

"I've always been in love with you, Tegan. I'm so happy,okay? Just hold me." Her eyes widen and it takes her a moment, but she grins and a tear falls out of her right eye.

"Okay, Sara, okay."


End file.
